Dorothy's Journal - Episode Nine (A Long Way to Go)

[Dorothy Hui]

Here we are! Eight long episodes later, our trek across the Benelux States has finally brought us all here, together. Bienvenue, Benelux!

Well, you know, what's left of us. It's technically a merge, but when you're only merging with the lone survivor from the opposite tribe, it's more like we're just absorbing a new member - even Survivor's producers called Palau the only season without a merge. Welcome to NuBruxelles, Natalie! You can be an honorary Bellsprout for doing what eight of your teammates couldn't.



I feel really fulfilled, honestly. This is easily the best pre-merge I've ever had. Seventeen players in this game have either been voted out or eliminated outright, and here I am bludgeoning my way through to the Final 10 by only going to Tribal Council once. Yes, I know I keep repeating that statistic, and yes, I know it's probably getting tedious to read about, but that is a HUGE deal to me! I might not have had to go to Tribal Council very often, but I worked hard to make sure I could get myself here regardless. Even as we were winning challenges, I worked hard to establish relationships with everyone I could. I've established that I'm someone people can count on. I've busted my tail working myself into the good graces of enough people to feel like I would have been safe even if we lost. The fact that we never did can be traced to our team as a whole, but that includes my own efforts.

I gave it my all last challenge to make sure Operation Deathblow worked, and it did. I'm not great at staying up until 3 AM and running on 3.5 hours of sleep, but it was the only way to make sure I could do my part to stop powerful threats like Cody and Jasmine from making it to this point. I got to go to Exile Island for my efforts, and wow, Tim wasn't kidding when he said the place was cold and desolate.

I got to meet Natalie a bit earlier than everyone else, which was interesting. What do you say to a lone survivor? What CAN you say? "Sorry we destroyed your team, but it's nice to meet you"? The poor girl seemed like she was in shock. That had to be the most bittersweet of all feelings, especially when you survive ahead of someone who was your closest ally.

All I knew about Natalie before meeting her was that Tim liked calling her "wallpaper" every time she survived, which may have been true when they were on original tribes together. Still, from the way Natalie told it, she was one of the only truly active players on NuAmsterdam, where she was surrounded by inactivity (Austin, Ricky, Steuart, Shelli), incompetence (Simon, Glyn), or both (Jasmine). Natalie explained how often people went missing, how often Simon and Glyn didn't know what they were doing (Simon REALLY insisted people call him Hotdogs?? What even is that?), how no one had the idea to look at the previous season for any clues after seeing tree mail, and how they were in a constant state of getting screwed. Even when it counted most, Jasmine left Natalie and Cody in the lurch and didn't work hard in the challenge that was supposed to save them all, which either means Jasmine is truly an enigma, or that she hated Natalie and Cody enough to take them down with her.

My own impression of Natalie is that she's dangerous, but I can see why Tim doesn't think highly of her. It takes some major skill to be the lone survivor of an Ulonged tribe, and yet Natalie's first act upon coming to Exile Island was to accidentally block me. Still, she's dangerous for exactly the same reasons Stephenie was in Palau - she's able to come out to play in the challenges, she's nice enough to make a good impression on people (I actually think I would like her a lot if the circumstances were different - she has her own singing group and even showed me one of the songs she's arranged), and if she makes it to the end, no one has a better resume than her for people's votes.

The fact that I suspect she'll have at least one idol makes me want her out even more. I suspect that Cody was the one who got the original Amsterdam idol - according to Dustin, that thing has been gone since before the swap even happened. Natalie didn't say anything about idols getting played over there, which could be a front, but my gut says no idols were played because Cody and Natalie were in tune with everything happening and didn't need to play anything. If those two were anything like Ian, Julia and I during the challenge, they compared their steps and realized it was Natalie who had more. They were close enough that I feel like Cody could have passed her the idol as insurance, knowing they might lose the challenge. Even if that's not how it went, Natalie got a clue for her camp's idol. If by some act of foolishness that idol remained at camp, I have no doubt Natalie would have gotten a clue that would make it obvious to get inside.

For me, the first priority this round is to make sure Natalie doesn't survive it. My deepest fear is that Tim/Dustin will want to use her as a shield. No way. I want to hold them to our deal, to our 6-man alliance...at least until the time comes to flush out any idols those two have between them.

---

I think Tim is being transparent as hell when he's claiming he couldn't figure out his clues for the Bruxelles idol. Does he think I was born yesterday? If none of my original tribe has it, the only one who it makes sense for it to have is him or Dustin, and he's the one that got the best, most obvious clue aside from the one that was posted while I was at Exile. He even acted like he couldn't get the password with the last clue and got all defensive when he thought I was asking if he had it. His "woe is me, no one talks to me" bullshit is transparent. Of course he wouldn't have told me if he had it - I wouldn't have told him, so fair is fair.

Whatever. He says he wants Natalie gone, and that's what I want too. He says he's still committed to our six? So am I...for now.

Carrie came back from the dead as of last night, though - apparently she's been sick with the flu, but she's feeling better now and she seems to be on my side. I shared her with my Exile clue in return for her sharing her's with me, and I feel like she trusts me a lot. Even as I've distanced myself from her for the benefit of Tim/Dustin, being on Carrie's good side is massively important to me in the meantime. I won't burn that bridge with her until my hand is completely forced, and she doesn't trust Tim/Dustin, which means she would be a vote for something that would benefit me.

There's a long way to go, though. With possibly three idols active among these 10 players, anything could happen. It wouldn't shock me at all to get blindsided in the next couple of rounds. Fingers crossed, journal!

[Dorothy Hui]

Chalk this up to my mistake in assuming things, but I thought everyone would agree that Natalie needs to be voted out ASAP. Based on some conversations I had last night, apparently this isn't the slam dunk I thought it would be.

Natalie is worried - it's not hard to see why. The only other precedent I know of where this happened was Palau, and poor Stephenie was in trouble the moment she stepped onto the Koror beach. Natalie kind of ranted at me a little bit before disappearing to go to bed where she was worried no one was coming to her with game talk, and that she would "just have fun" if it turned out she was going to be leaving. I didn't really know what to say to her, because I really did think NuBruxelles would all be united in voting against her in some fashion. I probably came across as pretty lame to her when I just echoed that the situation was pretty unique and I could empathize.

When I talked to Tim before the "merge" happened, he reaffirmed with me that he would want Natalie to go and that he wanted our six (him, Dustin, Ian, Burnie, Julia and I) to stick together. I was feeling okay about that until Jaclyn suddenly decided to talk some game with me with her own assumption: "I assume we're going to keep Natalie for now. I think there are bigger targets to worry about."

I'm afraid I might have come across a bit frantic in my response, because I immediately asked if she didn't think Natalie was a threat. She gave me some non-answer about idols and didn't even tell me who we would target otherwise, but she seemed to really want to keep her around. I guess that doesn't surprise me from Jaclyn - a gamebot like her probably short circuits when she realizes how no one on this tribe has talked any in depth game with her, so she probably figures she can use Natalie as an extra vote.

Burnie, Julia and Dustin weren't online when this discussion happened - Burnie was probably sleeping, Julia is probably making 500 new friends at college, and Dustin isn't usually on very late in the evenings. So, as I usually do since he's the one who's online most, I talked to Ian about it and said Jaclyn was thinking about keeping Natalie. His response? "Yeah, I mean it's an option."



Ian went on to say that he just really hates inactives, so he would be okay with Kathy leaving first before Natalie because we've carried Kathy far enough already, and it's time for the free ride to stop. He added that he doesn't think Natalie would stay around for very long if we kept her for a round, and he said he trusts our six to stay together. He said he was surprised I was so adamant about Natalie going, and that I'm usually not so scared.



Well, I WASN'T scared before. Now I'm not so sure, because what I thought people thought isn't actually what they, you know, THOUGHT. I probably came across as frantic to Ian too, because the only reason I can think of for people wanting to keep Natalie is because they want to use her. No way. Natalie wouldn't be a number on my side if she's already connected with Jaclyn and she already knows Tim and Dustin - she would go after me and the other original Bruxelles, which is absolutely not okay. Not to mention she has showed that she can pull out clutch victories and can be social enough that people are already strongly considering keeping her. I say there's a reason Stephenie didn't last long after joining Koror in Palau, and that's because she was going to win if she fought her way to the Final Tribal Council.

As easy as it would be getting votes together to vote out Kathy, she can be for another time. We know what to expect from Kathy; we don't know what to expect from Natalie. I don't want to give Natalie an inch just so she can yank out a mile from whoever's offering it to her.

---

I can already feel myself slipping into my paranoia state, so I might as well write about this now.

I have this problem in ORGs where I find myself in a position where I'm pretty well liked...until I make a move. Then, because I want to win, or because I don't want to hand the game to someone else who I think could beat me, I'm the villain. I don't get what it is about me that makes people think I'm this OTTM/OTTN, condescending basket case when this moment happens, but it's a pattern that has been tough for me to break.

Is it lying to call Natalie a threat? Is it condescending to say her presence makes me anxious? It should make EVERYONE anxious, not just me.

What is it about some players who can blindside multiple players in a row and get praised for it and called a hero for it, while I try to go about a seemingly straightforward vote and then I'M the bad guy? I'm trying to get myself and the people I care for most in a position to win in the end - even if I don't win, I want someone I like and respect to win. That makes me awful, I guess?

It's whatever. I've played enough of these to know I'm always the hero in my own story, even if I'm very frequently the villain in everyone else's. Just because I like you doesn't mean I want to lose to you. At the end of the day, this is a game to be the last one standing, and that's what I want. That's what I'm starving for. I want to forge a path to get me there, and if I can't get there, I want there to be a path for one of the people I like best to win instead. Is that really so bad? Does that make me awful?

I don't know. I doubt anything I wrote in the last five paragraphs paints me in a positive light anyway. Don't mind me, just trying to justify my actions, thanks. In before I get idoled within the next two rounds.

[Katia Winter]

What's Survivor without a little paranoia? Love the read anyway!

[Dorothy Hui]

In other news, Ian's newest nickname for me is Sunshine.



^I empathize, Judy...

Remember when I thought the flirting would stop? That was a nice pipe dream for a bit, wasn't it?

[Katia Winter]

Your theme song should be "Oops! I did it again."

[Nikki Grahame]

This is my theme song! You can borrow it!

[Dorothy Hui]

It's been a while since I last wrote about how much I like and appreciate Burnie, so I'm going to write about how much I like and appreciate Burnie.

On a list of my closest allies, Burnie is still my number one. Julia is lovely, but now that she's started school she's a bit more absent as she finds her footing as a freshman, and even before that she wasn't around quite as much. Ian is a great guy, flirting aside, and I have a lot of trust in him and am happy to consider him a friend, but our history in this game began later into it and I can't quite call him my number one ally simply because we didn't end up on the same tribe to start with. Burnie has always been there to help keep me sane in this game, from Day 1 all the way to now. He's not around as much as Ian, but when he is around, we think on the same wavelength, we laugh about the same stuff, and I think our games are going in the same directions.

Burnie is incredibly rational to the point of being probably one of the most sane people here. His head is in the game, even if he's not showing it as outwardly as I probably am to the rest of the tribe. He's really a lot like Church, even if I'm not as simple as Caboose. If we're talking Survivor comparisons, I'd say he's most like Aras Baskauskas - pretty straightforward and dependable with a subtle sense of humor. I fully believe Burnie can go deep with or without me, but even so, there's no one I'd rather be sitting next to if we make it to the very end. I'm the type that likes going far with my Day 1 allies (sometimes to my detriment), and the arc of Triple Helix would be amazing if Burnie, Julia and I can all fight our way to that endgame.

I say all this because Burnie is confirming I'm not crazy and saying he doesn't want NuBruxelles to eat each other right away, so Natalie is the best choice to eliminate. He did express worry that Kathy would be someone's FTC ticket if we keep her, but I still want her gone soon - just not before Natalie. He agreed with my thoughts on it, and even echoed my worries that Natalie could have an idol.

So really, assuming we trust people to stick to their words, it's time to go for the best of both worlds - we could split the vote between Natalie and Kathy this round. It all hinges on Tim/Dustin honoring their words to stick with the core six that has been proposed - I have no doubt Carrie and Ian would be willing to join in on this, but if Tim/Dustin decide to hook up with Natalie and pool their idols together (which I'm sure that they have AT LEAST one between them), then we could be in trouble.

The backup plan would be to just pile votes on Kathy to avoid idol shenanigans? I don't know. I'm really worried Tim and Dustin are going to show their real cards here and idol me or another original Bruxelles out. If they have the means and they can get Jaclyn and Kathy on their side, there's nothing stopping them from having the numbers to win the game. They would have idols, they would have a five person majority...we would be toast.

I don't know. If I were in Tim and Dustin's position, I would go for the preemptive strike on Bruxelles if I had an idol to work with. If I'm thinking that, then I'm sure the thought has crossed Tim and Dustin's minds.

---

I hate feeling like I need to win immunity, but winning tonight's mini is the only way I can for sure feel comfortable this round of paranoia. I already feel I've made myself a big target between my social hustling and my performance in the last challenge, so if anyone's in danger of getting idoled out, I'm fairly certain it's me. It's what I would do if I were Tim/Dustin, anyway. That means I'm going to hope for the best tonight and try to snag that victory.

The problem with that is I MIGHT have to do it on mobile. If it was Wednesday I would have been able to do it no problem, but the change to Thursday means the challenge may coincide with the city meeting I have to cover for work, which starts at 8:30 EST (6:30 MST, my actual time zone). The agenda is short, but if one of the items goes on as long as I suspect it might, I may have to play on mobile as the city talks about some annexation agreement. Since this is all going to be AIM based, I imagine most of what will happen will be based entirely on speed. I'll be really hindered if I have to do it on mobile in the middle of the meeting or parked at a gas station halfway to my house, which I'm about 80% sure I'll need to do because I am the master at underestimating how long a meeting will go for based on its agenda.

Considering winning individual challenges isn't my forte to begin with, I'm sure it would be an uphill battle even if I could do it from home. But I do want to win this one, if only so I can breathe a little bit easier.

[Dorothy Hui]

^Ehhh, okay, probably not ironic, but the fact that I ended up doing half of last night's challenge on mobile anyway because my ISP is full of crap even after I got home from possibly the shortest city meeting I've covered all year still sucked. And the fact that I had no internet access for about an hour last night might have contributed to what will either go down as my worst decision in this game or my best one.

I started that mini fully intending to kick ass and take names as best as I possibly could, if only to knock out Natalie and Kathy from the challenge. The first couple of challenges ended up going pretty well, too. I let Ian take the first HOH even though I know I could have beaten him, and then I won the second without too much trouble. I even came close to winning those vetos. I coulda been a contenda...

Then, just like LBJ tended towards health problems whenever he was in the middle of making important decisions, my internet decided the best time for it to stop working was less than halfway through the challenge while Kathy was still going on a tear. I know I could have beaten Kathy in some of those challenges, and I was waiting patiently for my internet to come back while Ian, Burnie and Carrie carried us. Unfortunately, it got to the point where I was very obviously the load, and I asked Ian to let me get eliminated to have the best possible chance at defeating Kathy.

In the end, Kathy went total beast mode and won the majority of the remaining challenges, but even so, no one wanted her to win the challenge. Burnie won the mini unanimously, even after Kathy tried to play on our sympathies by saying she had skipping working on a paper to participate.

If you ask me, Kathy made herself a humungous target in her challenge performance. Before last night, I was 100% ready to push a vote against Natalie, even if I had to ask people to split votes, but Kathy waking up after a five episode slumber as a crazy challenge threat with no loyalties is just as scary as Natalie, if not moreso, because who really knows what she would do? Kathy herself admitted she had become lazy, so she knows she's on the bottom. She wouldn't have a chance at winning, but she WOULD have a chance at eliminating people who would be strong winners themselves. Right now, I don't really care who goes between Kathy and Natalie, and I hope that's what ends up happening.

But here's where my big decision comes into play - and this is either going to make or break the rest of my game.

---

When the twist regarding Exile was first brought up - that the winner of the immunity challenge chooses who goes to Exile Island, and can therefore receive a clue to the idol and safety for the round - Burnie and I immediately told one another this was a big opportunity to get the second clue and confirm where that idol is. Best case scenario, whoever would go would find the idol untouched, and then we would have an idol to compete with the one Tim/Dustin likely have. Even if the idol is gone, then we would know for sure where that idol is and when it was taken.

So then Burnie won the challenge, and he had a decision to make - will he really send me to go to Exile and possibly reveal how close we really are, or will he send someone like Carrie (who only has the first clue to the idol) or Tim (who is sketching us out with his transparent attempts at playing dumber than he actually is)? He looked to me for confirmation on what to do.

Part of me was still scared about idol shenanigans this round screwing us. Burnie has immunity, but I wouldn't, and I didn't want to face the uncertainty of Tim/Dustin/Jaclyn's words and the unpredictability of Natalie/Kathy. Another part of me was worried my internet would continue being a pain in the neck and severely hamper my ability to talk game efficiently and try to steer the vote in a direction I want for it. If Burnie would have sent Carrie, we would get accused of OG Bruxelles working together anyway; if he sent Tim, he just gets the second clue and could become even more powerful.

So I encouraged him to send me. I told him I would like another shot at the idol. Between those of us in Triple Helix, I'm the one who likely has the most time to look for and the best chance to actually find the idol with a second clue - I figured the Bruxelles one out before Burnie or Julia could, and there's a possibility my English background could come in handy for cracking passwords. I discouraged Burnie from the other choices and tried to tell him sending me was the best option.

And so he did.

---

So here I am, safe from the vote and alone on Exile Island - the first one to be completely alone here. I'm immune from the vote, and so is Burnie. On the surface, Kathy has made herself a big target for elimination and Natalie remains the biggest jury threat due to her survival from the disaster that was NuAmsterdam. I have the opportunity to secure a hidden immunity idol - a major weapon Triple Helix can use to make sure we navigate the next few rounds without casualties. Finding an idol here can change the game completely, even moreso if I could use it correctly if I find it. Even if I don't find it but crack the password, then I can push the vote against Tim more efficiently and force that idol out of him.

But what if it all goes wrong? What if neither Kathy nor Natalie goes home? What if Tim/Dustin/Jaclyn/Kathy/Natlie band together and vote out Julia or Carrie, neither of whom would be able to do anything to stop the simple majority? What if the fact that I've been sent here is the last straw to set off Tim/Dustin's preemptive strike against my side? If I come back and Julia or Carrie has been voted out, then I feel like I would be responsible in some way for their eliminations because I've done nothing to diminish any target against me over the last few rounds. If I don't find this idol and Kathy/Natalie are both still here on Saturday, I'm going to be in a position where I must win immunity. "Must win" situations are not my forte. Mike Halloway I am not.

This whole thing could explode at any minute. Did I just light the fuse and run away?